Defamed! (A Duet)

INT. Conference room of a high-end law office. It’s a large, soulless space with a long, glass table, and ten rolling chairs. Seated across from each other in the middle are a MAN (the client, 44) and a WOMAN (the lawyer, 55).

- Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

- It’s okay. I could hear the duress in your voice.

- Was it that obvious? I was trying to hide it.

- You were fine. But after twenty-five years you develop a kind of spidey sense for it. Did the receptionist offer you a water?

- He did, but I’m too upset to drink.

- Okay. Do you want to tell me what’s going on?

- Sure, but first, can I ask how much you cost?

- 800 dollars an hour.

- Wow! That’s a lot. You don’t do that thing where you take a third of the settlement.

- We do sometimes, but I’ll need to hear more about the case to know.

- It’s a defamation case.

- (The lawyer makes a “not good” noise) Sorry. Probably going to have to bill by the hour for that. Defamation cases are tricky.

- They are?

- Very difficult to prove. The line between truth and opinion gets murky so, unless you can refute the claims factually, they’re difficult to win, and the courts, generally speaking, don’t like the cases. And that’s just proving there was defamation. Damages are a whole other story. You have to prove that the claims aren’t just false, but that they caused you legally recognized harm.

- What’s that mean?

- Financial loss. Loss of employment or job opportunities. And this needs to be provable, not could be or might or maybe. The court is not going to award damages for your embarrassment or hurt feelings. You have to prove financial loss or impediment to earning. Who is it that was defamed? You?

-Yes.

- By a public entity?

-No.

- A private citizen?

- Yes.

- Who?

-Me.

-You?

-Yes.

- You want to sue yourself for defamation of character?

- Absolutely. If you heard the things I say to myself, you’d be appalled.

- But isn’t that just self-loathing?

- No. This is slander. Trust me.

- But I just told you, the case has to be factual. Opinion won’t hold up in court and self-opinion, even worse. To be honest, this sounds more like a personal issue than a legal one. Have you talked to a psychiatrist?

- Yes. They agreed with me.

- Your shrink told you to sue yourself?

- She did. She said in all her years of practice, she’d never heard anyone spoken to that way. Also, I haven’t been able to pay her for a year, so she’s hoping I can with whatever I win in the settlement.

- But you haven’t suffered financial loss or missed work opportunities?

- Oh, yes I have! Every time I fill out a job application, they ask for my employment history and as soon as I start writing out the ridiculous, pathetic jobs I’ve held in my life and how completely inept I was at them I can’t go on. No one in their right mind would want me working for them. I’m pond scum. Who’s going to hire pond scum? See, all I do is suffer missed work opportunities.

-Yes, but at your own hands, or thoughts as it were.

-So, what? That’s even worse. Who cares what other people say, that’s not important. It’s what we think about ourselves that matters.

-That’s very true, and very wise.

-Don’t try to make me feel better. We both know I’m a piece of shit.

-I do not know that.

-Well, you better, because you’re going to have to prove it in a court of law.

-Actually, you want me to prove the opposite. You want me to prove that you’re not a piece of shit, but that thinking you are is keeping you from earning.

-But I am a piece of shit.

-But if you’re really a piece of shit then I can’t prove defamation.

-So, you’ll take the case?

-No. Of course not. The whole thing is absurd.

-I know. I’m here wasting your time. Your 800 dollar an hour time. I’m so selfish and loathsome that I’m willing to spew my desperate and farfetched delusions all over you.

-I wouldn’t say you’re spewing.

-(to himself) What the fuck is wrong you! (he begins slapping himself in the face) Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!

-Stop that! My god! You don’t need sue to yourself for defamation, you need to sue yourself for assault.

-Can I really do that?

-No. You can’t sue yourself for anything.

-Why not?

-Because whatever we do, we do of your own free will.

-I disagree. Free will is an illusion. Everything we do and think stems from the past; from genetics or environment, things beyond our control. Choice is not real. Every action we take and choice we make is connected to an unbreakable chain of past events. And even if you do whatever you want, your desires, tastes, character and circumstance is based on the past and events you didn’t choose.

-So, you’re saying your desire to sue yourself for defamation of character was predetermined and not an act of free will.

-Yes.

-I don’t think that’s true and even it is, it will not hold up in a court of law. You can’t say I murdered someone because of past events out of my control.

-I haven’t murdered anything but my self-esteem.

-I know. I’m just saying determinism is not a viable argument in a court of law.

-What’s determinism?

-Not believing in free will.

-Oh.

-Besides. If you’re unemployable and have no money than how are you going to pay yourself damages?

-I have lots of money. I’m a trust fund baby. I’m loaded.

-I thought you said you couldn’t pay your therapist.

-I could. I just don’t.

-Jesus. You are pond scum.

-I told you. I’m the worst of the worst and I need to be taught a lesson.

(The lawyer looks around, then at the man) – You’re filming this, right. This is like a Borat thing? You want to make me look bad like Rudy Giuliani. Where’s the camera. On your body?

-There’s no camera.

-Then what are you doing. You’re clearly an intelligent guy, you don’t really think you can sue yourself for defamation.

-I do. And I think it could be a landmark case. We’ll both get famous.

-You want to get famous for de-faming yourself?

-Exactly. The Latin root for fame is “fama,” meaning rumor or reputation. It comes from the verb “fari,” which means to speak. It has to do with public opinion and renown. In fact, Fama is the Roman goddess of rumor. She’s like the Roman Harvey Levin, that guy who created that show TMZ. To be famous is to be widely known and have a public reputation. To defame is to ruin that reputation. I just want to do it backwards and ruin my reputation in order to get one.

-So, this would be a publicity stunt?

-No. It would be a profound comment on victim consciousness, self-responsibility, and the dark and litigious nature of the American psyche. It would say, there is no one to blame, but yourself, and on an even deeper level, the very notion of blame is an illusion that we need to let go of as a culture. To assign blame is to try and control what can’t be controlled. Or to say it another way. We are all to blame for everything.

-So, it’s part philosophy lesson, part social commentary, part legal case, part performance art?

-Yes.

-Can I ask you a question?

-Sure.

-Why do you want to be famous?

-Because if a lot of strangers love me then I won’t hate myself so much.

-So, you really do hate yourself?

-Why do you think I’m here?