Which Way To The Mercy Room

 
I have just won the Irish sweepstakes
Of self-loathing
The banner is black on black
And the confetti that’s falling is sharp
No one gets out of here alive or dead
So the best thing to do is sit down, rest awhile and wait for things
To not work out
 
In tennis
They engrave the champion’s name
On the cup
But the loser’s speech is always more poignant 
Especially when he bows his head 
And says with great difficulty 
I gave it everything I had
My opponent was simply too good for me
His cross-court backhand
Has taught me the true meaning
Of the word shame
I would also like to thank the sponsors
And my childhood
And all the good people who make this pain possible
I will be back next year for even more
 
Which way to the Mercy Room
How do I get there
I have to have mercy
Kindness isn't enough 
 
The only thing more brutal than nuance
Is the moment before you’re finally willing
to change
 
But now I am almost willing
To stoop down to the Mercy Room
Rise up in the Mercy Room
Walk blind through the Mercy Room
Die my tiny death a thousand times a day
 
There is no need to worry brothers and sisters
The people over at Mercy are cool as shit
They know what you've done
That’s all over now
All of that
You don't have to lie about a thing 
But you still can if you need to
They just smile
And put the back of their hand
Against your cheek
They understand
How hard it is
To get a monkey off your back
And once you pull those covers down
It’s all monkey
And monkeys are allowed in the Mercy Room
 
2  

Oh god
Oh terrible and merciful god
Who everyone believes or doesn’t believe in
Do you mind if I call you baby
Do you mind if I rest by the side of the road
Can you call up the governor and get me a pardon
Can you forgive me for wasting my precious time With how I feel
For lurching between the wet red sex of the visceral
And the hollow hopeless terror that the visceral leaves behind
 
I didn’t know any better
I swear
I am feral and un-parented
On Caribbean vacations
I was left to run wild in the streets
At the age of six
Judy Zaruki showed me her vagina and
The numbers on her father’s forearm
On the same October day
It was too much to bear
I was forced to go underground
And start my own chapter
Of the Black Panther Party
In Jimmy Rosensweig’s tiki bar
I prayed to a votive candle
Of Eldridge Cleaver
Even though I had no idea who he was
And my mother
My dear sweet incurable mother
Screamed in my ear with a terrible violence
War is not healthy for children
And other living things
It was one of the rare occasions she was right
 
3
 
In tennis there are four important tournaments
They are the majors
But in the Mercy Room
The minors matter too
And the miners matter
And their coal turns to gold in the Mercy Room
This is called the West Virginia law
Of alchemical justice
But they don’t believe in justice
They believe in mercy
And they mine it
Down in the bowels of the Mercy Room
Down in the silt and sludge
Of self compassion
 
Wow
I feel so much better now
But I still don't feel good
Maybe Mercy isn't what I think it is
Or maybe the problem
Is trying to feel good 
Or maybe I have a misguided idea
Of what will make me feel good
  
4
 
In tennis it takes four points
To win a game
And six games to win a set
But everyone starts at love
Love and love
That’s how we start
But then we begin acquiring points
Everyone making and missing shots
Pushing themselves
Driving themselves and their opponent
Further and further away
 
We start out at love 
But then the game begins
And now we need Mercy
We start out at love
But then we rush the net
And now we need Mercy
We start out at love 
But then we take our eye off the ball
And now we need Mercy
We start out at love
And make a great shot
And then another and another
And then we rip a forehand up the line
That leaves our opponent
Questioning themselves
In the most essential
And depleting way
 
And we have our foot 
On their throat
And we have our foot
On our throat
And with total victory 
Seemingly within reach
We ask ourselves
Which speech it is
We are here to make
The winner’s or the loser’s
And with this ultimate decision
About who we are going to be
In this world on the line 
We realize with great relief 
That it is a stupid and ridiculous question
And that only thing ever worth asking
Is which way
Which way to the Mercy Room