Another Gem

I have one question that’s really been haunting at me lately and that question is: WHY DON’T MORE PEOPLE COOK LETTUCE?! Oh, my brothers and sisters, I implore you to put heat to your greens. It’s a great way to have your salad and your veggie all at once and the easiest thing in the world. If I run for CLIC (Culinary Lunatic in Charge) I will make lettuce-cooking a cornerstone of my platform!

Let me walk you through it.

STEP ONE: Go to the farmers market, or if you must (oh, perish the thought) Whole Foods or Safeway and get your mitts on some gem lettuces. I figure everyone knows what gem lettuce is but if not, they are like bonsai romaine and come in red leaf and green. I usually buy red cause I’m a colorist, and dig how they look on the plate, but green is fine too. Anyway, get a few.

STEP TWO: Cut them in half lengthwise, revealing their intricate and layered innards.

This might be a good time to do a public service announcement for knife sharpening-- Do you have dull knives? When you try to slice a tomato do you feel as ineffectual as an armless man playing whack-a-mole? Well friend, all is not lost. A good knife doctor is like a Xanax in reverse, meaning they don’t take the edge off, they put it on. Of course, you don’t need your blade to be Kurosawa sharp to cut a gem lettuce, but the feeling of slicing through one with Japanese ease is a sexual joy. Maybe you go to hear classical music with your partner once in a while. Well, I say play your Brahms on Spotify and spend that money on an experienced knife grinder. You will thank your rabbi.

STEP THREE: You commit to flavor. You say “This is going to be delicious because I want it to be.” Flavor commitment is one of the most important parts of cooking. Like an athlete who visualizes the game winning shot, you must mouth-visualize what you want your food to taste like and imbue it with your savor-hopes. You must say, “I know who I am and what I want this to taste like!” Only you don’t say it, you just are it.

STEP FOUR: Pan choice. Guess what? You can’t really go wrong. Even a decent non-stick that sears will do the trick, but don’t use something you bought off late night TV. Cast iron is a safe bet and I use this big hundred-year-old cast iron chicken-fryer I got on Etsy. There’s a whole cast iron fetish world out there, people paying a thousand bucks for an 8-inch “Griswold” with a certain insignia on the bottom. I’m into cooking with pans not collecting them and my big Bertha just says “E R I E” on the bottom. Erie is what Griswold was before they started calling themselves Griswold, all their pans cast in In Erie Pennsylvania. Wagner is another desired vintage brand, the pans and griddles cast in Sidney Ohio. Personally, I’m a fan of Piqua Ware, manufactured by the Favorite Stove and Range Company in Piqua Ohio between 1910 and 1935. I have a 1912 Piqua Ware griddle that I make pancakes on and which makes me far happier than a slab of iron should.

STEP FIVE: Olive oil. I am an olive oil stickler, but this is not an olive oil dish so the oil you use in the pan is not that important (Now, the oil you finish with that’s a different story). Put a little olive oil in your chosen pan, and turn your flame to medium. If you’re using an electric or an induction stove, take a moment to feel good about your lack of environmental impact and then another to feel ashamed of your culinary credibility. Let the pan get a little hot, then put your gem lettuces in, flat side down. Now, let them cook. Check in five minutes and see if you’re getting a sear. You want a sear, but it ain’t blackened red fish, so make sure your flame isn’t too high. This is a super low stress cook and you can’t really fuck it up unless you burn it, so cool out and when your gems have some brown on ‘em, flip ‘em over with tongs. Now, you’re home free because you got your sear (and that sear flavor) and you don’t need it on both sides, so, turn down the flame and cover the pan. This is the wilting stage and in terms of how wilted you want it, that is up to you. If you make the dish a few times you will learn what you like, but start with a medium wilt, which might take another five to ten minutes, covered. One of the reasons I love grilled lettuce, ‘cause not only do the gems taste great, but the margin of error is huge, so you can be busy with whatever else you’re making and not stress like you would about over-steaming haricots verts.

STEP SIX: Put the pan grilled gems on a nice plate. I’m not a presentation fanatic, but give your gems a stage to shine on.

STEP SEVEN: The finish. Okay, what do I have to do to get you to buy some Maldon sea salt? Who in your life do I have to talk to? And don’t buy a box, buy a little tub, it’s cheaper. I get it if you’re broke or your money is going to your addiction or you’re just cheap and think salt is just salt, but listen to me when I tell you salt is not salt, and the difference between a good flaky sea salt and whatever’s in that cylinder of Morton is the difference between Charlie Parker and the guy who played alto at your daughter’s bat mitzvah.

Let me ask you this, hypothetically, of course. Would you consider not going out to dinner one or two nights, taking that hundred bucks and using it to buy some Maldon salt, some really good Italian or Greek olive oil and a solid balsamic vinegar? There’s a balsamic called Calivinegar that is really nice and thick and just 20-25 dollars a bottle and a very steady unfiltered Italian olive oil called Paesano that’s around $35 a liter. I know I sound like a snooty little bitch, but cooking and eating are just as soul nourishing as writing and I know you all take that real seriously, so maybe you’ll consider upgrading your olive oil, salt, and vinegar game. You get a lot of bang for your buck with those three and they increase anything you add them to (If you’re hip to all this already, just nod knowingly).

As for finishing the gems; a little Maldon, a little olio di Italia and a drizzle of balsamic against the slight bitterness of the gems and you’re all set. I like my gems room temperature, though they’re nice warm too. You’ll be surprised by the complexity and interplay of sweet and bitter, how the taste changes through the bite. Cooking turns lettuce into something with as much mystery and gravitas as fennel, or a subtler and more surprising cabbage. It’s transformative and very hip. Serving your guests grilled lettuce lets them know you’re not just thinking outside the box; the box is not even there.

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