One Little Fishy

You should never use anchovies unless you like flavor, depth, meaning, truth. If you can't get with the primordial, oceanic, salt-joys of existence do not use them. If you've never tasted your blood when you cut your finger and found it soothing if not downright affirming, refrain. If you don't like to bury your nose in your lover's armpit (or any other part that intrigues you) and take a big whiff, then do not mess with them little fishies (or get another lover). If you like your bananas slightly green and your fruit hard and unripe. If you find lamb gamey and offal awful. If you brush your teeth six times a day, and the inherent seaweed funk of life and death are too much for you to bear. If the stinky-cheese wonders of reality make you go pee-ew instead of amen. If you're not in touch with your inner dog and don’t sniff whatever you come up against. If you're not in touch with your inner cat and ready to flick your sand-paper tongue into the tuna can of mystery. If you're in disagreement with a thousand years of Italians, Spaniards, Greeks; the earthy, sun-smeared, hip-swaying tribes of southern Europe, not to mention the Koreans, Japanese and all the other salt-loving, flavor-crazed umami bandits of Asia, those who know what's what when it comes to sticking things in their mouths, then please, please, DO NOT FUCKING USE ANCHOVIES!

Now, before you get all anchovy uppity (or anti-anchovy uppity) let me explain myself and why I selected "use" as my verb and not "eat."  When I talk about anchovies, I am not talking about having them on your pizza (which I love) or just eating some really prime ones from the Cantabrian Sea on a piece of good bread with some French butter (which I also love), I am talking about cooking with them and by that, I mean dissolving them in oil as a starting point of flavor-- An umami head start in the race to deliciousness.

Now please, trust Swerdlow when he tells you-- They do not make things taste fishy. They just add depth and salt-water wisdom. I use them when I make all kinds of stuff. You're going to do boneless chicken thighs in the pan, dissolve an anchovy or two in your olive oil and see what you get.  Again, it won't make it fishy. It will just make it more. Now, if you use ten anchovies, that's another story, but just one or two at the start of a dish will turbocharge your cooking.

Here's a good test run. Dissolve an anchovy or two in oil, add five cloves of smashed garlic and sauté some broccoli in it. Yes, broccoli. It won't overpower it. It'll just get it there on time. I use them when I make dried beans, and almost always when I sauté onions. Yesterday I sautéd one of these incredible Texas Sweet onions I get in two anchovies and then added some famer's market collard greens to that (stemmed and chopped). I cooked most of the green out, and though it wasn't all the way to Baton Rouge it was definitely past Little Rock. I added a little rice at the end as a binder and when I tell you that shit was good, I ain't fucking lying. But it was them little fishies that kicked it off right. Sometimes, it almost feels like cheating. I’ll just melt down some good Italian anchovies, sauté cabbage in them and everyone’s like “What the fuck!?”

Just start using them here and there and if you're like me, you'll soon be adding them everywhere. The Koreans start half the dishes they make with dried anchovies (they also eat them as bon chon). They make a stock with dried anchovies, kelp, bonito flakes, which is the base of a lot of their stews and braises.

Some writer (I forget who) said, there are two kinds of people in the world. Those who shit regularly and those who don't. Jon Turtletaub, the director of Cool Runnings (and many others) said, there are two kinds of people, those who fold the toilet paper before they wipe and those who bunch (why it always comes down to pooping I don't know, but I guess that's where the rubber meets the road).  I also say there are two kinds of people, but I will use anchovy like or dislike as my separator.

Look, I'm not saying you're a bad person if you don't like or use anchovies. That your palette is childish or unsophisticated or that you are in direct opposition to the sacred scrolls of flavor, and I'm surely not saying that you don't know how to cook or dance or fuck. You just don't know how to fuck me.